I am still learning about myself. Honestly, a lot
about myself. One would think that at 24 almost 25 that you would have your
shit together. But I don’t and that’s not easy for me to admit. And I’m
learning about myself at the mercy of my marriage. My understanding husband has
been revealing qualities about me that I’m not proud of: personal qualities,
wife qualities, mommy qualities that need improvement.
The other night when Blake and I were having an
argument he flat out asked me, “do you want me to love you?” He said it very
calmly and I replied, “no.” I was upset with our marriage because it wasn’t
playing out like I thought it should. I felt respect was compromised and that
the whole concept of give and take was more about taking than giving. Blake had
made the comment that he thought I thought I was always right. Well, I am. I
mean, he is always the one that is messing things up and pissing me off. (*keep
up with my sarcasm*) The truth is, however, that I realize that I am the
problem the majority of the time. I had expressed to him that I don’t think
love is enough. I love him and he loves me, but sometimes I feel that the
problems we have are unable to be fixed.
We are currently participating in this marriage
bible study and only have one week left. I thought this bible study would bring
us closer together but I have been mistaken. This is one of those points in
life that God slaps you and basically says work
on this, fix this, honor me while doing so, practice what you preach kind
of times.
After I replied “no” to Blake’s question he was
quiet for a little bit and then asked me, “do you mean that?” And then he asked
me again, “Jandi, do you want me to love you?” I thought about it and said, “yes.” I realized that I have these high
expectations of how he should love me. Expectations like he should be romantic
every day, serve me every day, just do.what.I.say., surprise me with doing my
chores, sit inside with me, give up his plans, make love after a long day….all
these things and I don’t make it easy for him to love me. I make it difficult
by expecting him to read my mind and by not communicating with him. I expect him to
do these things for me but don’t return the favor. I do things for him and then
hold those things against him and use them to my benefit instead of just having
pure intentions and serving him.
Why I am writing this? Do I care that you know about
my marriage and where it falls short? I want you to think about if you are easy
to love for your spouse or if you make it difficult because you are unhappy. If you aren’t married, are your intentions
pure with serving God? Maybe you have no idea what I’m talking about, but if
you do then I challenge you to do a gut check.
I’m thankful for my husband. So thankful. That night
we had the argument, it was late into the night-actually early morning. I was
finished talking and wanted to go to bed and Blake got up and went into the
living room and was there for awhile. I thought he was going to the couch. But
no. I woke up to a long letter the next day that explained LOVE IS ENOUGH and
that he will never leave and will try harder and will be the best husband and
daddy that God wants him to be. (I asked
if he googled the letter because it was so good lol) Don’t limit God in any
aspect of your life, your marriage especially.
