but...how?

The last blog I wrote about "Going All the Way" brought up some questions that I feel like I need to address.  Beau and Heather are still doing a great job in the series at church concerning sex and marriage. However, both of them waited to have sex before they were married. They can only point out certain consequences of adultery instead of experiencing them. Our experiences shape our beliefs and you learn something better when you experience it. Now, I hope if you are saving yourself for marriage that you don't experience sex outside of marriage. Marriage sex is better. Just take my word for it and don't be one of those that thinks if she did it so can I. I've been there and those thoughts are only a justification.  Now, sex inside marriage is different from sex outside of marriage in my opinion. BUT....HOW is it different? There is security-security knowing that he isn’t comparing you, security knowing he isn’t going to leave you, security knowing that he is the only one for you and who God wanted you to be with. There is freedom in knowing that you aren’t sinning and that you are obeying God with your life and your marriage. When you have had sex before marriage, you have created something that is “artificial”-or an imitation of what it is supposed to be and has human error involved. When you are married, it is not an imitation it is the real thing, pure, honest…  (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7) It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality;  that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit.

 

You kind of have to re-shape your sex life when you get married. You don’t experience the newlywed sex because you have already experienced each other. Don’t feel weird because you may be the more sexual person in the relationship. Society and the media always make it seem like the male is the more sexual person, but in my own experience and in talking with others it is often the female that is more sexual. It takes awhile to figure out what works for both of you. It does need to be a priority in the marriage, but your marriage should not be centered around it. Also, you might figure out your husband and your love language: (The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman).

 

Now, if you are reading this and you are not a Christian then your beliefs or opinions might not be the same as mine. My marriage is Christ-centered and biblically based. Read 1 Corinthains 7. Specifically, 1-5: Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: “'It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.’ But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” It is important that both the husband and wife understand this. Make sure you are doing your part before you criticize him for not doing his (speaking from experience J) You are both each other’s servant and he should be receptive to your needs and wants concerning sex.

Women: If you are not satisfied with your sex life then that's ok. Do something about it. Do not be so hard on yourself. It is not your appearance or anything like that. Don't put sex on the back-burner because of kids, stress, work, etc.  Sex is actually supposed to be about you-the woman (read Song of Solomon).

 

If you are a Christian and want to make things right, make sure that you and your husband have asked forgiveness for the sin of adultery or the sin of sex outside of marriage. Make sure that other areas of your marriage are right instead of focusing on sex. Make sure you are submitting to him and that he treasures you like he treasures the church. There are books, couples devotionals, and always the Bible to help you figure things out. Sex is one of the biggest fights in marriage I think-that and respect. Your sex life will change constantly when you are married and you have to learn to adapt.

 

 Please feel free to ask me or have me clarify anything. I’ve been married almost 7 years so I don’t have all the answers but I have been where you are at. If you read this and still have questions, feel free to ask!

 

Going All the Way

GOING ALL THE WAY

Today at church we started our series entitled “Going All the Way.” Since it is the month of February, it is a series based on dating, marriage, and sex.  My friends, Beau and Heather, taught the sermon today and a few things stuck out to me pertaining to my own relationships. I admire their bravery and candidness when I know it is not easy. I especially admire my best friend because she does not feel comfortable at all speaking in front of people, and does really not feel comfortable talking about sex. I could’ve punched Matt when he played “Let’s get it on” when she walked up there and I felt so bad for her. She did great though!

So some aspects of this lesson stuck out to me: if you don’t wait for sex you are devaluaing your spouse and your partner’s spouse/ the world is saying “yes yes yes yes yes” to sex and the church usually says nothing, and if the church says anything then it is “no no no no no.”

When I was in the youth group, we had this thing called “Sextember.” We had shirts made and everything. It was a full month devoted to learning about sex and purity. The first week consisted of a nurse coming from the health department and showing us this horrible, awful, disgusting, turn-your-head and barf kind of slide show. The intentions, I believe, were to scare us from having sex so we wouldn’t get a STD. It was a sobering reality for some, while for others it was just gross and it didn’t apply to them since most hadn’t been to second base.  The following weeks were great-our youth pastor would talk about purity and sex and how sex was horrible outside of marriage. He never talked about how great sex was in marriage though. He had told us that he had sex outside of marriage and that his wife hadn’t, but he didn’t tell us how that directly afffected his marriage. He made broad statements like it was “emotionally damaging” or something like that. My thoughts going through my head were, (as shallow as they were) entailed things such as he made it just fine and he wasn’t a virgin when he got married….that’s not fair that he wasn’t and she was so I wouldn’t want to be the one who hadn’t in a relationship….he is holy and righteous and he messed up so if I do it’s not that bad… 

I struggled with purity all through  my teenage years. I started struggling with it in 7^th grade. 7^th grade. Woah. That is so young. I look at my cousins, who are mostly all older than 7^th grade and I think-they better not do that. I hope they don’t do that. They are so much smarter than me. I didn’t need attention or affection from boys; I didn’t have daddy issues…it was just something I struggled with. I knew it was wrong and I hid that sin in a tiny closet and never showed anyone.  I remember certain speakers that would coome and talk to us during the month of sextember. This one lady inparticular stands out to me. We were in the gym and our parents were able to attend. She talked about respect and was very transparent that we did not respect ourselves or our future spouse if we “left our fingerprints” on others. She talked about what “going too far” meant and showed us what body parts would light up for the opposite sex when we would do certain things. I did feel shame and conviction, sitting next to my boyfriend.  However, he didn’t feel the same that I did so nothing ever changed that night. Once at Falls Creek, I asked a previous boyfriend for forgiveness. We both were each other’s “firsts”-not that we had intercourse- but that we were impure in so many other ways with each other. It was a great talk and I’m so glad we had it and it was such a release and such a freedom I felt for asking him and God for forgiveness. Even though he never had the chance to get married, since he died recently, we robbed each other of the purity of marriage and the marriage bed. While I learned a lot about what not to do in church, Beau’s comment today about the church saying nothing or “no no no” stood out to me. I should’ve heard how great sex was inside of marriage. I wish it wasn’t such a taboo subject. I wish that I would’ve heard specifics on how my youth pastor’s marriage had “emotional baggage.” I wish people that made that poor decision not to wait would’ve told me that sex is a good thing, a gift from God, and there are many reasons why it is only intended for marriage. 

Since Blake and I chose to have sex before marriage it has affected us greatly. We did feel shame, conviction, embarassment, and some anger after we got married. We had to completely reshape our idea of sex. We couldn’t sneak around anymore. We couldn’t do it as often as we wanted because of the baby we had. We weren’t the same teenagers trying to do it just to brag on the amount of times we had done it. It wasn’t “artificial” anymore.  It was now ok and now biblical and it was weird. Weird maybe isn’t a good word but it’s all I got. It took us awhile to figure each other out.  Our neighbors gave us a DVD on marriage and sex and it did help us greatly.  Things that I had done-people from my past-haunted me. Most of the men that I had physical, intimate relationships with weren’t yet married and I would think to myself I ruined this for them like they ruined it for me…I ruined it for myself… Blake and I have only been with each other-but I had other “fingerprints” on me and had left fingerprints on others. I can only hope if they read this that they can forgive me and that their spouse can forgive me.  After Blake forgave me and I forgave myself could we really move on and have great marriage sex. I hear funny stories from my Christian friends that were virgins when they were  married and their stories differ from mine greatly; however, one characteristic is the same: you were not allowed to do it and then you were and one little piece of paper and a ceremony made it ok. I had a friend who was so nervous she threw up. I have another friend who wore her comfy clothes and needed her husband to explain to her why it was now ok. Eventually, obviosly, we all came around. Sex is a major part of a marriage and while it is not the center, it needs to be a priority. 

I’m not saying that the church failed me before. It wasn’t all the church’s responsibility-my parents did talk openly about sex and God’s intention for it. I want my children to desire sex and hold it to such a high standard that they don’t settle before they are married.  The church-or metaphorically speaking the church-us- I want to be the church for the world. The church for the teenagers I’m around every day. The church for adults. The church for my kids’ friends that don’t get to see it.

I’m not ashamed of my testimony. I’m not ashamed anymore of the things I’ve done and only by the blood of Jesus am I redeemed today. If you have any questions or need someone to talk with  you or pray with you, please please please talk to me. If you live in the Woodward area and are curious about what goes down at 1000 Hills Ranch Church then I urge you to come.