GOING ALL THE WAY
Today at church we started our series entitled “Going All
the Way.” Since it is the month of February, it is a series based on dating,
marriage, and sex. My friends, Beau and
Heather, taught the sermon today and a few things stuck out to me pertaining to
my own relationships. I admire their bravery and candidness when I know it is
not easy. I especially admire my best friend because she does not feel
comfortable at all speaking in front of people, and does really not feel
comfortable talking about sex. I could’ve punched Matt when he played “Let’s
get it on” when she walked up there and I felt so bad for her. She did great
though!
So some aspects of this lesson stuck out to me: if you don’t
wait for sex you are devaluaing your spouse and your partner’s spouse/ the
world is saying “yes yes yes yes yes” to sex and the church usually says
nothing, and if the church says anything then it is “no no no no no.”
When I was in the youth group, we had this thing called “Sextember.”
We had shirts made and everything. It was a full month devoted to learning
about sex and purity. The first week consisted of a nurse coming from the
health department and showing us this horrible, awful, disgusting,
turn-your-head and barf kind of slide show. The intentions, I believe, were to
scare us from having sex so we wouldn’t get a STD. It was a sobering reality
for some, while for others it was just gross and it didn’t apply to them since
most hadn’t been to second base. The
following weeks were great-our youth pastor would talk about purity and sex and
how sex was horrible outside of marriage. He never talked about how great sex
was in marriage though. He had told us that he had sex outside of marriage and
that his wife hadn’t, but he didn’t tell us how that directly afffected his marriage.
He made broad statements like it was “emotionally damaging” or something like
that. My thoughts going through my head were, (as shallow as they were)
entailed things such as he made it just
fine and he wasn’t a virgin when he got married….that’s not fair that he wasn’t
and she was so I wouldn’t want to be the one who hadn’t in a relationship….he
is holy and righteous and he messed up so if I do it’s not that bad…
I struggled with purity all through my teenage years. I started struggling with
it in 7th grade. 7th grade. Woah. That is so young. I
look at my cousins, who are mostly all older than 7th grade and I
think-they better not do that. I hope they don’t do that. They are so much
smarter than me. I didn’t need attention or affection from boys; I didn’t have
daddy issues…it was just something I struggled with. I knew it was wrong and I
hid that sin in a tiny closet and never showed anyone. I remember certain speakers that would coome
and talk to us during the month of sextember. This one lady inparticular stands
out to me. We were in the gym and our parents were able to attend. She talked
about respect and was very transparent that we did not respect ourselves or our
future spouse if we “left our fingerprints” on others. She talked about what “going
too far” meant and showed us what body parts would light up for the opposite
sex when we would do certain things. I did feel shame and conviction, sitting
next to my boyfriend. However, he didn’t
feel the same that I did so nothing ever changed that night. Once at Falls
Creek, I asked a previous boyfriend for forgiveness. We both were each other’s “firsts”-not
that we had intercourse- but that we were impure in so many other ways with
each other. It was a great talk and I’m so glad we had it and it was such a
release and such a freedom I felt for asking him and God for forgiveness. Even
though he never had the chance to get married, since he died recently, we
robbed each other of the purity of marriage and the marriage bed. While I learned
a lot about what not to do in church, Beau’s comment today about the church
saying nothing or “no no no” stood out to me. I should’ve heard how great sex
was inside of marriage. I wish it wasn’t such a taboo subject. I wish that I
would’ve heard specifics on how my youth pastor’s marriage had “emotional
baggage.” I wish people that made that poor decision not to wait would’ve told
me that sex is a good thing, a gift from God, and there are many reasons why it
is only intended for marriage.
Since Blake and I chose to have sex before marriage it has
affected us greatly. We did feel shame, conviction, embarassment, and some
anger after we got married. We had to completely reshape our idea of sex. We couldn’t
sneak around anymore. We couldn’t do it as often as we wanted because of the
baby we had. We weren’t the same teenagers trying to do it just to brag on the
amount of times we had done it. It wasn’t “artificial” anymore. It was now ok and now biblical and it was
weird. Weird maybe isn’t a good word but it’s all I got. It took us awhile to
figure each other out. Our neighbors
gave us a DVD on marriage and sex and it did help us greatly. Things that I had done-people from my
past-haunted me. Most of the men that I had physical, intimate relationships
with weren’t yet married and I would think to myself I ruined this for them like they ruined it for me…I ruined it for
myself… Blake and I have only been with each other-but I had other “fingerprints”
on me and had left fingerprints on others. I can only hope if they read this
that they can forgive me and that their spouse can forgive me. After Blake forgave me and I forgave myself
could we really move on and have great marriage sex. I hear funny stories from
my Christian friends that were virgins when they were married and their stories differ from mine
greatly; however, one characteristic is the same: you were not allowed to do it
and then you were and one little piece of paper and a ceremony made it ok. I had
a friend who was so nervous she threw up. I have another friend who wore her
comfy clothes and needed her husband to explain to her why it was now ok.
Eventually, obviosly, we all came around. Sex is a major part of a marriage and
while it is not the center, it needs to be a priority.
I’m not saying that the church failed me before. It wasn’t
all the church’s responsibility-my parents did talk openly about sex and God’s
intention for it. I want my children to desire sex and hold it to such a high
standard that they don’t settle before they are married. The church-or metaphorically speaking the
church-us- I want to be the church for the world. The church for the teenagers
I’m around every day. The church for adults. The church for my kids’ friends
that don’t get to see it.
I’m not ashamed of my testimony. I’m not ashamed anymore of
the things I’ve done and only by the blood of Jesus am I redeemed today. If you
have any questions or need someone to talk with
you or pray with you, please please please talk to me. If you live in
the Woodward area and are curious about what goes down at 1000 Hills Ranch
Church then I urge you to come.
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