PART II

Part II

The last blog about my pregnancy was very surface level.  I addressed some of the issues that come along with being a pregnant teenager and mentioned some of the people that helped me during that time when I was in high school.  Let me make a brief disclaimer: this is my blog. It is my perspective. Perspectives are funny in the fact that everyone has a different one.  If you don’t like my perspective or don’t agree with it, then write your own blog.  You do have the freedom to comment, just realize that I do not care if you make it out for people to have a negative perception of me or of my family. I know the truth and God knows the truth, and that is all that matters to me.  This is entitled “Part II” because I feel that there is more to the story. Isn’t it crazy how people just miss the mark sometimes? I mean, not that everything has to be about me, but sometimes it just isn’t about you.  Now, I do want someone to take something away from my blog when I write them and somehow relate to me.  I despise those people that share things on social media just to disagree with them. Geeze, people.

Thank you to everyone who commented, texted, personal messaged me, or talked to me about my last entry. I love you people.

Now, part 2:

Here are some of the other parts of my pregnancy; some are dark places and some are radiant, but they all are a part of my story:

I once had a teacher who wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom (she didn’t know I was pregnant) and I had morning sickness BAD. She wouldn’t let me go so I just threw up in the trash can, told her I was pregnant, and sat back down. Nobody said anything the rest of the period. 

When I say I had morning sickness badly, I mean I was sick every day until almost 5 months pregnant. Every day until noon. I would wake up early just to throw up some before I had to go to school. Then, when I got to school, I would often sit in my car and be late for band because I was throwing up in the parking lot.  Nobody said anything whenever I would come in late for band, and I don’t even think I was counted tardy or I would’ve failed on absences.  I would have to bring something to eat in class, like grapes, crackers, a nutrigrain bar, just to ease the sickness, only to throw it up later.  This wasn’t easy in high school since you aren’t supposed to have food and everybody is in everybody’s business. People soon found out why I had food or why I was just leaving to go to the bathroom or why I looked like hell. Yeah, I didn’t look pretty. I barely weighed 100 pounds and lost 13 pounds the first trimester. This is the shit nobody tells you about when they talk about how horrible pregnancy is-it looks fun and all until you don’t think about a human growing inside of you, you just feel sick. 

My sister would hold my hair back when I threw up or carry me to my bed if I passed out. She was there for me.

I had a Spanish teacher walk up to me in front of the class and say, “So, I hear you are pregnant.”

Yeah, so, what? 

People just don’t know what to say to you.  It’s kind of humorous, really. The male teachers were the worst at knowing what to say but the best at showing you mercy. They would fearfully ask if I was pregnant, (because I could just be fat) and then ask when I was due and what my plan was. When they found out I was to go homebound for the remaining of the semester, they took it a little easy on me concerning my schoolwork and modified my assignments. One government teacher didn’t realize I was out for the rest of the semester and thought it was the rest of the year, so I did a million worksheets that I didn’t need to do and ended up doing them over when I returned. It was fun.

My uncle D basically set Blake and I up. We met at the Woodward rodeo for all of you who didn’t know that. It is romantic, regardless of how it sounds. When Blake and I got pregnant he sat us down and chewed our butts. I mean, letting him down was the worst. He is like my own dad and I had to hear that I disappoint him. I remember crying and Blake just putting his head down at times. He and Polly did assure us that we could do it-something we needed to hear from them. I applaud his bravery and candidness with us. 

My grandma wanted me to live with her so I wouldn't be stressed at home. She begged me at times. However, I'm glad I stayed living at home because my mom taught me so much about being a mother and how to take care of a home and my dad was there for a male figure in Kaden's life to play with him.

Blake’s reputation. It’s a small town.  He’s the stud of the football team (not my perception, he really was J) and he was the guy that every mom wanted their daughter to marry. He is a good man and didn’t go to college to play football because he had priorities. He was (is) a good dad and a good husband and decided that providing for a family meant more than a college career. I know he would’ve succeeded, but he will always wonder.  I resent myself sometimes, thinking about the opportunities we missed out on and had to sacrifice for.

Sacrifice. That 9 letter word creeps into my life as a mother quite often. I sacrificed a lot. I sacrificed doing color guard, going on my senior trip to Europe with my friends, touring 8 different countries; I sacrificed my time working so I could afford diapers instead of going out with my friends; I sacrificed my senior year because my mind was elsewhere with this baby. I sacrificed probably more after high school, but know this: I wouldn’t trade it. I’m glad I learned to sacrifice-something that young people don’t learn much about early enough.

I had many hurtful things said to me. Since Blake didn’t live in OKC or go to my school, my peers labeled me a “slut” because no man was around to be the baby daddy.  What they didn’t know is that I had only slept with one man and have only slept with one man. I didn’t get knocked up at a party or anything and so the rumors that went around school were awful.  This is when I learned to not judge people. It is something easier said than done, but when you are at a very low point in your life, your perspective changes. I learned I am no better than anybody. I never knew the story and so I vowed to never start rumors about people because I never wanted them to feel how I felt. I also learned that a sin is a sin. No sin is worse (other than denying God) than another sin. God looks at sin the same. I just wore my sin and it showed through my shirt. Everyone struggles with something and the consequences are different-but the sin is the same.

Like I said in my previous blog, haters gonna hate.  I only mentioned two incidents in which I felt betrayed. There are more. I remember the hurtful, hurtful things that were said to me; but I will not write them on here.  I wrote that I forgave those people and what they did-and I did. I’m still trying to work on forgetting them.

The support group I got involved with was just that: support. We met on Tuesdays during 2^nd hour and I went when I was pregnant and I went after I had Kaden. The lady that led the group was helpful in getting me on my own and preparing me for having a baby-she even taught me baby massage. She went with me to DHS to get some help in paying for the baby and I learned a lot from the mothers that were in the group. I remember one time sitting around the table and talking, and one of the mothers started leaking. Another girl told her she was leaking, and she said she had another shirt in her car and covered it up with her books and left. I remember thinking to myself, “that will be me…that will be my life…” and I was horrified.

I did breastfeed and go to school.  It wasn’t easy but I’m glad I did it.  I would wake up and feed Kaden, get ready for school, and then take him to daycare. I did concurrent enrollment so I would go to high school half a day and college half a day. In between schools, I would pump on my lunch break. I fed him for 5 months, until he decided to wean.  Just so you know, I never leaked at school and didn’t have to worry about that J I did encourage other girls in the support group to breastfeed and was there for them. (transparent, I know…but it’s my blog!)

The secretary I mentioned in my first blog would send me notes or bible verses during class. She would also get me out of class to come have some crackers or fruit and juice. She taught me that the little things make students feel special and I try to remember that when I am dealing with students today. 

My story doesn’t stop at high school, since being a young mom is a fight. It’s a fight because you are still a child yourself in a certain aspect and society looks down on you. I was once buying jeans at a store in Woodward and the lady, who was older, told me I was too young to have a baby because I was a baby myself. I told her she was too old to be working and should be retired by now… I haven’t always been graceful with my comebacks, but it was hard to have my speech “seasoned with salt” and hold my tongue.  I’m young-I know I look young. I had a baby young and started a family young and got married young. I don’t act young though. So I get frustrated when people point out the obvious. Real frustrated.

Like I said, I did go to college and it was hard being married and having children while trying to obtain a degree. It was hard keeping up a house and cooking dinner and doing laundry.  I would do my homework while my kids were sleeping or I would have to find a sitter so I could write a paper. I took online classes one semester when I had Blaze so I could breastfeed. I would schedule my classes around my kids and make it work. I would sometimes show up at class smelling like puke because I was at home with a sick kid all day or I would look terrible because I never had time to get ready. But I made it. Because of kids and going to college right after we got married, Blake and I have never had a “normal” marriage. We had Kaden when we got married and so we have never really been newlyweds. I remember going to see You, Me, and Dupree in the theatre with Blake. Afterwards, I was crying and crying ( I was pregnant) and he had to pull over in a Taco Bell parking lot because I was so upset and he had to calm me down. We just held each other and cried. After watching the movie that was about newlyweds it occurred to us that we would never have this. This was something I mourned and let myself mourn for a short while and then got over it. it still bothers me from time to time and I wish young people knew this is one of those sacrifices that nobody tells you about. Blake and I have adjusted and our marriage is stronger because of it. We accepted a different normal and we are still very much in love. It is still weird to me that I am now out of college and teaching and home in the evenings without homework. I love it.

One woman made a lot possible for me with her support, and I couldn’t have done it without her. My mother-in-law, or my mother #2, Trish, has always been available to watch my boys, make dinner when I’m busy, pick up kids, drive kids, rub my back when I’m stressed, sleep with me when I’m scared, come down in the middle of the night to help me with kids, and so much more. She still helps me out a lot whenever I need her to. We have always been close-even when Blake and I were dating. I love our relationship and I’m so glad I have her.

I’m thankful for the college mommies I met too because they were my support and I didn’t feel alone. It was nice to know that someone was in the same boat I was and was just trying to get through. I know God placed them in my life for a reason.

I know this has been a super long blog-I’m currently had 2,212 words. Whew! I could still write but I’m going to save some thoughts for later. I write to inform and to inspire and I hope you got something out of this. I don’t mind being honest, but it’s sometimes hard for me to be so transparent. I enjoy writing and it’s therapeutic for me.

Until next time…