I was pregnant before it was cool. Being 16 & pregnant is nothing like you think it would be. Entering into motherhood while you are still a child yourself is confusing, to say the least. You want to be excited but society thinks you should be ashamed. You try to live a normal life with your friends-but going to parties when you are pregnant just isn't the same. Your thoughts aren't the same as your peers. School is no longer a social place, just somewhere you go to eventually get your degree because you want to be somebody for your child. The people who complain about being tired or how boring the class is really have no idea about life. As a pregnant teen, everything changes. You are so over everything.

When I got pregnant, the fact that I had hurt people is what I struggled with. That's the other confusing part. You know they want you to suffer-because they are-but you also can't live like that because it isn't good for the baby-being stressed out and depressed all the time. I hurt (or let down) myself, Blake, my family, my teachers, the teenage population, and God.  Everybody else kept quiet mostly about their hurt, except for my parents.  I'm not going to throw them under the bus, because I don't know how I would handle it if my child got pregnant, but they grieved. One of the reasons nobody tells you "if you don't wait for marriage" is the fact that it is just  not ok to do it because your youth is robbed from you.  My parents were not able to accept the fact that I was no longer a child.  They wanted me to know I had options. Since we- or I- didn't want to have an abortion, adoption was the next "option."  My mother was the most vocal about her grieving process, and she wasn't ok with my pregnancy until I was about 8 months pregnant. She ordered adoption papers from an agency and had them mailed to me. She also found numerous girls for me to talk to that had chosen adoption-girls that had aged anywhere from 16-22.  I had to call them and the conversations usually consisted of them telling me their story, them crying, and also telling me their open adoption rules: how often, sent pictures, meetings, counseling, etc.  And then I would tell them my story and they would respond, "Well, since you have a supportive partner and family, I don't know why you are considering it." I didn't really know why either.

I know my mom meant well, looking back, but it was hard picking up the pieces by myself. Through it all I always felt God's presence and it was screaming, "I got yo back!"

As a result of my pregnancy, I became a forgiving person. I was called names and beaten-up emotionally, mentally, and God would whisper forgive them, let it go.  I have forgiven everyone, but some of the hurtful words still remain. I pray I can someday forget them.

Everybody wants to know how my story "ended" in success...1st of all, it was ONLY by the grace of God that I am where I am today. However, there are some people who I owe credit to and who helped me tremendously. I feel that by writing to them that it will reveal more about my story than just telling you about it. They are in no specific order of importance and I hope I don't leave anybody out.

Blake: you are my rock. I remember the day we found out we were pregnant. It was a whirlwind of a day-and I remember at the end of the day when we finally got to talk. I was just wanting to take a shower and was trying to get off the phone. You said, "Hey, hold on. How are you?" I just started crying because I didn't have an answer from the exhaustion of telling my family that day, but you then assured me that we would be ok and we would beat all the odds and make it. I love you and will be with you forever-no matter what. I knew because of you-you were so different-a rare breed-that I would be ok. I know you love me for so many other reasons than for being the mother to your children.  I am grateful for you everyday.

Kenz- I am so thankful that you are my sister.  Thankful really isn't a strong enough word-maybe appreciative, gracious, obliged... you were there for me. Always. Holding my hair when I was puking, being my friend when others deserted me, listening to me, having my back, telling people how it was and how it was going to be and they better deal with it, being excited, singing to my baby in my tummy, loving me. Even after Kaden arrived, you helped me everyday get him ready, take him to daycare, played with him, held him, rocked him, fed him, taught him.  You were like his second mother and you have a special bond with him. I am forever indebted to you and I hope that I can be half the Aunt you are one day.

Jennifer Hader: Heaven-sent. God knew I needed to hear from you and sent you straight to me. That Wednesday night we talked on the phone gave me the courage to have the baby, keep the baby, and be the mother God called me to be. It wasn't until you that I realized that God's plan was clear for me and I needed to do what was best for me and the baby, not do what others wanted me to do. I am glad you counseled me through my situation and I am so grateful that you had the courage and the obedience to talk to me.

Mom and Dad: Thanks for housing me and feeding me and my baby. Thanks for making me do it myself and for making me take responsibility for my actions-more parents need to do that these days. Thank you for loving and caring for Kaden and for being good grandparents to him. Thanks for teaching me along the way how to be a parent and all that comes along with that. Thanks for the good memories. Thanks for letting me go and grow up. Love you.

Jenna: thank you for being my friend through it all. You didn't desert me. You protected me from creepy people who thought they had the right to rub my tummy. You listened, you were dependable, trustworthy, un-judgmental. I am thankful for our friendship.

Josh and Daniel: Thanks for eating Dale's with me almost every single day because it was the only thing that sounded good. thanks for correcting people's rumors, for holding me when I needed to cry, and for still hanging out with the fat, pregnant chick. Love you guys.

Mrs. Blackwell-  Thank you for your sweet words, the bible verses you wrote on notes and sent to me during class, the crackers, the water, the understanding. thanks for letting me cry on your shoulder in the hallway and for taking my face in your hands and telling me you loved me. I needed to hear that on that day. You will never just be "the secretary" to me.

My school counselor: Thank you for not writing me off. thank you for finding me a support group of people who could meet me where I was at. Thank you for getting me into concurrent enrollment and for seeing that I succeed. Thank you for pushing me to graduate with honors and for not letting "my situation" hinder my future. Thank you so much.

Mrs. Schwartz: Thank you for going above and beyond for me. You didn't have to accept me into the Math Analysis class, knowing that you would have to tutor me on the side when I went homebound. Thank you for coming to my house and explaining assignments, for encouraging me, for waiting while I fed my baby, for coming to my wedding, for supporting me. You are the person I think of when somebody asks me who my favorite teacher was. You were more than a teacher, and that is what I hope to be to my students.

Jessica: I know we will always be friends. Thank you for lying for me, for being there from the very moment I found out I was pregnant, for understanding why I couldn't go to color guard practice, for picking up the pieces with the guard when I had to leave to nurse Kaden, for not judging me, for not complaining when I got 2 solos in winter guard, for calling me a "rock star." I love you, sweet friend.

To Daniel, Heather, Katie, and the colorguard: Thanks for letting me perform. It was my escape. It was the only thing I did for me and did well.  Those are memories I will never forget. I'm sorry I was late to practice from sickness, I'm sorry I left early to breastfeed.  thanks for understanding and being there for me. Love all of you.

to all my family: thanks for being gracious and careful with your words. Thank you for loving me despite my bad decisions I made. Thanks for spoiling Kaden and Blake and me.

Haters gonna hate. To the haters: I won't forget you, but I have forgiven you. You created some dark places for my pregnancy, but they helped me see what matters in life and the hard reality that some people are just not accepting and negative and those people will always be there.  To my band instructor: the whole band voted me for band queen, even knowing I was pregnant. Because of your embarrassment and un-comfort, you took that title from me and lied about it. I felt betrayed and less than. Does that title matter 7 years after the fact? No. What matters is that a big group of the band bought a crown for me, flowers, and had their own little ceremony for me because they knew I had earned it.  Oh, and I know who the girl is that thought she also had the right to take that title from me. One of the many "I thought you were my friend."  The IYC trip my senior year: I'm glad I got to go. It is a shame to me to think that I almost didn't get to because of someone's insecurity and embarrassment and ignorance.  I have also forgiven this person, but it is one of those things that I learned a lot from. Church people can sometimes be the worst people.  Amen? I have learned that I will not be that church person that is hypocritical, judgmental, hateful, or rude. I will be that person that accepts people with open arms and tries to love them unconditionally-like Christ-would.

I do have a "success" story, even though my story is not over.  I did graduate with honors from high school, with honors from college, all while having a child. It wasn't easy but I'm glad I did it. The stupid statistics that were against me is what drove me to finish.  Even though this was a big part of my life, it's still just that: a part of it. It doesn't define me. I am not that teenage pregnant girl anymore. I am confident in myself. I love my life, my husband, my boys. I am living a dream with a handsome cowboy, three adorable boys, out in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by great friends and a loving God.  It's perfect.

Everybody has a story. Probably more than one. This is one that I thought I would share because people know but don't usually ask.

Disclaimer: I have written and re-written, deleted and published this many times. I have decided that I will never feel it is finished, complete, final.  I felt compelled to finally publish it and can only hope that I do it justice.  Feel free to ask questions or leave comments.