The Unwritten Book of Life

At some point in life, some unkown person decided to write this unwritten book of life that doesn't really make sense.  Before I start rambling I guess I should make a disclaimer.  I only briefly touch on these rules and codes.  If you are not a woman or a wife, you might not enjoy this post as much.  These are things I have discovered along my journey in life and feel obligated to tell someone these things because I find myself thinking "these are things nobody tells you."  If you know me, you know I'm honest not modest and so please excuse some of the things I say and try to stay with me.

Pertaining to this unwritten book are codes.  Guy codes, girl codes, mom codes, dad codes, marriage codes.  I don't know why things are the way they are, they just are.  Like, ok, I teach high school students so I see my kids discover these guy codes and girl codes.  If you are a girl and dating someone, you expect him to be "hands-off."  Why? Because there is a girl code that is understood that says, "Don't talk to my boyfriend."  Chaos happens, fights happen, and social media bashing happens when a girl feels wronged by another girl.  She feels like if she, herself, obeys the code and doesn't talk to other girls' boyfriends, then hers should be left alone.  This is just one of many rules for the girl code.  I see teenage boys discover guy code.  Like, the conversations I hear are unreal and you don't want to know what I know.  They are always entertaining though.  One of the rules of guy code is that you don't talk about what goes on in the locker room.  You just don't.  I asked Blake once about it when we were in high school and he started to tell me a story and I remember promptly holding my hand up and saying "nevermind."  It's like a safe zone for guys because they talk about nasty things that they would never talk about in front of girls.  They also do nasty things all the while being naked and know that this guy code keeps them from telling girls or parents what happened.  Also, this guy code believes one is whipped when he respects his girlfriend and does romantic things for her.   

Dad code.  While I don't know much about this, I know a little from observation.  Dads- They are the providers for the family.  It is biblical, yes, that they are the head of the household and that they provide.  But the dad code is that you respect others work and don't ask how much they make.  The dad code, which is an extention from guy code, says that if you help someone work cattle then they help you work your cattle and it is even.  If you make a tie rope for someone then they make you a holster.  Dad code says as long as I get the kids dressed and fed that should be enough.  Brushing their teeth, taking their vitamins, and looking presentable are petty issues that the mom is responsible for.  Again, these are a few of the rules of the dad code-please feel free to comment more that you come up with.

Marriage code.  The best advice I got before I was married was from a woman named Judy Winford.  She grabbed my arm-rather hard-looked me in the eye, and said, "Jandi- marriage is work.  It's hard work. And you will have to work at it every day.  Promise me that you will work for your marriage."  I looked back at her and responded that I would.  And this has been the truest thing that anyone has ever said to me.  Marriage is all about serving the other person and putting your spouse above yourself.  This marriage code says that I will work hard and finds peace knowing that others are too.  When divorce happens to ones we know, we get upset because that couple didn't work as hard as we are.  This marriage code says if I'm going to stick it out and make it work and keep it sacred then you should too.  With my parents recently getting divocred, I have questioned marriage and have been angry with marriage, with life.  I have learned that sometimes codes and rules are broken and even though it throws you off-there are others still abiding to the rules and the codes and I hold on to those.  This marriage code is often humorous to me because everyone's interpretations are not the same.  Some people have just a physical marriage, some have a business marriage, some have an emotional marriage, a spiritual marriage, a room-mate marriage and others have the complete package.  Some rules I think are in all marriage codes aren't in all of them and that's ok.  It's just entertaining.  I don't know it all about marrige-obviously-but I know this: Love is a choice and loving someone is choosing them day after day.  Love is there after being in love has burned away and then there is committment.  Committment is there when love isn't and it is a strong thing.

Mom code. Ah-one of those things that nobody tells you.  There is so much to the mom code.  Until you become a mother you have NO IDEA what I'm talking about.  I once told my mom in a dressing room while she was trying on jeans that my body wouldn't look like hers and I would never wear those size of jeans she was in. Oh my, my, my, my, I'm incredibly sorry for those hurtful words my dear.  I had no idea at the time the trauma your body had been through to bring your Borden Babies into the world.  The way your body stretches, your hips spread, your hoo-ha rips apart, and how your back will never be the same are unexplainable to those who are not mothers. One of the things nobody tells you is how you will feel after giving birth.  My sweet neighbor Johnnie told me that she felt like she had done something nobody else had done by bringing a baby into the world.  She said there is no greater feeling looking at this itty bitty human and knowing   you did that.  I did feel like that.  I also felt like hell the next morning and there is no book you can read, no movie you can watch that will truly prepare you for birth or motherhood.  Sure, you can prepare and have an idea but you will not truly know until you experience it.  It is a beautiful and heart-wrenching thing all at the same time.  The mom code says it all with a smile, like when others look at me I know they are thinking, "welcome."  I know that's what I think when another woman is inducted into motherhood.  Well, I think that and "good luck getting back into a size 2."  A rule that is not in the mom code is the wearing of a bikini.  I feel like it should be a rule.  Like even if you can wear one, you shouldn't because not all moms have the luxury of not having stretch marks.  Not all moms have the time to work out or eat right.  Not all moms want to look at your body.  I don't feel good for you I am truly disgusted that you feel you have the right to wear one.  Get a tasteful one piece or a tankini.  Another part of me feels victorious because you went against the mom code and look good.  You don't look ragged or worn, saggy or pale.  The mom code that is part of the unwritten book of life says that we are the primary caretakers of our children.  We have to suck it up.  All the time.  We don't have time to be sick or time to sleep or time to read, write, think, travel.  And that's ok with me because I love my kids but nobody told me things such as these.  (The only way I blog is when my little bambinos are sleeping.)  When I am doing the dishes, the laundry, vacuuming, mopping, cleaning bathrooms, dusting, making beds, and then having a career- I think, WHY is this only my job? Why is this in the unwritten book of life, that these duties are only mine and if my husband does them I have to tell him "thank you" ?!?!? It has taken me 6 years to realize that this is how God wants me to worship him.  Be grateful and praisworthy always.  To find peace in knowing that I am not the only mother or wife out there doing these things after I have worked a long day.  To know that I am not the only mommy up with her kid that is puking or feeding a baby.  Feeding babies-that's another thing I'm passionate about.  If you know me, you know I am passionate about breastfeeding.  Actually, passionate might be an understatement.  My mother did it for me and her mother did it for her and so on.  I feel like it is only fair that every mother should at least try to breastfeed.  This is in the mom code and the rule has respect for mommies that do.  I fight the urge to look down on moms that don't do it because I worked so hard to.  The other rule to this is that moms must encourage and assure other moms they are doing the best they can.  Like if they can't breastfeed it is our job as a mother friend to say, "it's ok, you are doing the best you can; your baby will be just as healthy."  Just grit your teeth as you feel your hurting, distorted nipples and say it. It's the code, girls.  The most recent mom code I have lived is that of taking my babies to school and leaving them there.  My own mother reassured me that it will never get easier when taking my kids to school.  She only texted me and asked how the boys did and waited until I called her because she knew I would need time.  My friend Shelley walked out of the builidng after dropping her son-Blaze's best friend- off in the Pre-K class and stood by me for a minute and put her hand on my back and we held a gaze before she walked off to her car.  My sweet Becky didn't talk to me or ask me how it went, she only answered Blake's questions because she knew it was harder on me to leave my kids there.  Blake wanted to make conversation while I bee-lined for the car, clinging to Raphe and thanking God I have 4 years until I have to leave him there.  In the meantime, Blake is talking to Clint about football of all things-which is part of the dad code: talk about completely random things and avoid the emotional issue at hand.  My best friend Heather sees me at my car and tells me that her mornning went well and Blaze welcomed Hank into the class and I'm fighting back tears and I can tell her voice is shaky.  This mom code is a beautiful thing because I know I'm not alone.  Even though there are some things I hate about the unwritten book of life some things I find comfort in.  I've learned to embrace it and realize that it's ok to have a glass (or two) of wine after the kids go to bed and it's ok to leave your life of socializing for a life of raising babies and it's ok to get excited about your new recipe you made from pinterest.  I've embraced it because it is who I am now and I know I'm not alone.

I know the written book of life, the living and breathing Word of God is alive and apparent in my life.  I am thankful for this book because it helps me, guides me, and shows me how to be a wife and a mother.  When things happen to you, whether you be a husband or wife, mom or dad, know that you are not alone.  When something happens to you and you think why did nobody ever tell me this, realize that it's in there-in the unwritten book. 


   

A Letter to My Son

I write letters to my children often. I write them in their baby books so they will have them one day. Recently I wrote one "Letter to My Son" to print off and put in each of their baby books. It is rather long and personal. I want them to have the things I tell them on a regular basis written down so they will always have it and can cherish it. If you don't write letters to your kids, I challenge you to start.


Dear Son,

Never did I think that God would allow me to create something that would make my heart exude joy, compassion, and love. I think the word love is often overused in society, but I’m not talking about surface love; I’m talking deep, I would die for you, unconditional love. The first thing I want you to know is that I love you. Unconditionally. There is nothing you could ever do to make me love you less. I loved you before you were a fully developed body, before I could feel you move, before I even knew what you looked like, and before I knew what you would become in life. I will always love you.

Before I loved you, I loved your father. And before I loved him, I loved God. God was someone I grew up knowing because my parents introduced me to Him. It wasn’t until I became pregnant with the first one of you that I truly understood the depths of His love for me. God loved me-before I even loved him. He loved me at my darkest. He loved me when no one else would. He loved me when I was unlovable-when I even wore that awful black eye make-up, wore black fingernail polish, when I drove too fast, when I stayed out too late at parties, when I took His name in vain. He loved me through it all. I hope one day you will love Him too, believe in Him, trust Him, and consider Him your everything. Without Him, you cannot truly love yourself, or love others. He IS love. God’s love is the 1st greatest love story there is.

Your relationship with Him is the most important one you will ever have. I hope you honor Him with your life: your words, your actions, your career, your family. Do not get caught up in the religious aspects of Christianity-denominations don’t get you into Heaven. Don’t judge people based on their religion. And, while we are on the subject, don’t judge people at all. Being a Christian is at most times confusing and seems impossible. This life you live will be focused on being “like Christ” so others will know Him. There will be times you doubt and will be at a low point in your life. Doubt. Question. Be skeptical. But know that He will always be there with open arms to hold you and guide you. Turn to His Word and seriously trust in Him.

So, back to Dad. We have the 2nd greatest love story there is. I will spare you the details in this letter but believe me when I say that you will hear me talk about it more than once in your lifetime. I will tell you more times than one because one day you will pursue a woman—the pursuing is your part, yes—and you will court her. Your Dad did exactly that to me. He even pursued me when I was a total jerk to him. He was sensitive to God’s voice in the fact that he knew he was going to marry me. I took a little more convincing. (These are the details I will tell you one day) Even though we do not do everything right, we center our marriage around God and his biblical truths. I hope you see our efforts and learn what to do and what not to do in a marriage. Marriage is hard work. You will have to work at your marriage every day-even when you don’t feel like it or even when you don’t want to. You are a human and you will want to love your spouse conditionally-fight that urge. Love her unconditionally-no. matter.what. Marriage is sacred. Remember this when you are dating and respect it. I pray (a whole whole lot) that you will save yourself for marriage. The bible says “flee” from all sexual immorality. That doesn’t mean flirt with it. That doesn’t mean get close to the cliff. That doesn’t mean some things are acceptable. Get the heck away from it. Stay pure. God wishes this for you and commands you to do this because ultimately, He doesn’t want you to settle. He doesn’t want you to settle for a crappy newlywed life. He doesn’t want you to settle by sneaking around having sex. He doesn’t want you to settle for getting heartbroken and too emotionally attached. He doesn’t want you to settle for having your youth stolen from you. He doesn’t want you to settle because marriage sex is so much better than dating sex. Take my word on this.

Dating. That comes before marriage-sorry I’m getting ahead of myself. Part of me is scared and part of me is excited about this stage of your journey to manhood. You will be able to drive before you will be able to date. That’s just how it is. You will pick a girl up at her house, open all of the doors for her, make eye contact when shaking hands with her parents, listen to her, buy her dinner, star gaze, laugh, and dance anywhere she wants. Even if it is in the parking lot or the pasture-the date is about her. There are dates that will be about you, too. She will walk through Bass Pro Shops with you for hours and will get up early and go deer hunting with you. She will watch football games with you and will go camping with you and your friends. I hope you have fun while finding your soul mate. It is a serious thing, but don’t take yourself too seriously. Go dirt roading. And for all that is good and holy, be romantic. Don’t ever stop being romantic. Society calls this “being cheesy.” Punch society in the face, son.

Before you get married, though, be adventurous. Travel and try new things. You have the rest of your life to share it and provide for a family. Be selfish with your life and learn. This is something I didn’t ever get to do and while I wouldn’t ever trade being a mom and a wife, I wish I wouldn’t have grown up so fast.

Now, I don’t want you to grow up too fast. This is something that I am stubborn about because I want you to stay little and innocent as long as possible. I try not to blink because life just does pass by oh so quickly. I cherish all of your holey jeans, your mismatched socks, your monster trucks, your dirty toilet, your giggles, your loose teeth, your cowboy boots, your spills, your screams, your cries, your sickness, and your curiousness. I relish in these things because I know one day they will be gone and I will miss them. I embrace each stage of life and record it in your baby book and scrapbook all of the pictures of precious moments captured so that nothing will be forgotten. I do have dreams and desires for you, my boy. I want you to be passionate about something. It doesn’t matter what it is and don’t let anyone judge you for what you choose to be passionate about. If it is rodeo, dancing, music, acting, singing, football, figure skating, baseball—whatever it is just find something, do it, and do it well. I want you to cherish education. I say this not because I am a teacher, but because it is the only thing that nobody can take from you. Always learn something and never quit. Do not be ignorant and think that you have learned everything there is to learn. I want you to be independent. Motherhood is weird like that because my job is to raise you only to let you go. I am not looking forward to this but I will do it and do it gracefully. I will push you out of the nest because you are meant to leave me-that’s biblical son-so fly free little birdie. I am not worried about the man you will become because you have an amazing example. It is also my job to teach you how to cook, clean, do the dishes, be resourceful, and how to nurture. These things, even though considered “woman work” are crucial in being a good husband and daddy. Do these things. Without being asked. Just do them.

Know that I thank God for you each day. I know that you are a gift from Him and I know that I am called to be your mother. Even if I am nothing else in this life, I consider my life worth the while just loving you.

“Men are what their mothers made them.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson